How to behave in a restaurant:
I'm not sure why people forget how to act human once they cross the threshold of an eating establishment, but here are some ground rules.
1) No matter which table you choose, the food will, I promise you, taste the same. Your filet will still be med rare, whether you sit by the window, have your back to the door, even if, dare I say it? Sit outside. These tables are all within a few feet of the other - it doesn't fucking matter. Believe it or not, there is no button in the kitchen that says, " seasoning for table 27", IT IS ALL THE SAME. Repeat after me, " IT IS ALL THE SAME!".
2) Which brings me to, restaurants who have outdoor seating. When you walk INSIDE ( key word here- INNNNN SIDE) and the hostess greets you, asking if you would like to sit inside or outside, don't ask HER what the weather is like on the porch. Bitch, you just came in off the street, where the weather was very similar to how it will be on the porch, especially if you walked THRU the porch, to get the hostess stand. Let me boil this down, you just came inside ( ohhh, dirty) from OUTSIDE, the very same place you'll be sitting, if you so choose. The hostess on the other hand, has most likely been inside for about 6 hours now. How the fuck is she going to be more qualified to answer the question about the weather??? wedding dresses for short women
When in doubt, refer back to Number 1. The food will taste the same in either location.
3. As hard as it is to believe, restaurant workers do not control the weather. We can not move the sun so it's not in your eyes. We can't make it stop raining ( although, there was this one time... story for another time) we can not cool it down or heat it up. We can't make it snow, even if you've driven 13 hours so little Wyatt can see snow for the first time. We can't make the leaves more orange or brighter red. So fuck, the fuck off.
4) And this is extremely important. You are not the only person in the building, you are not at home, chances are, there are at least 40 or 50 other people inside. Do not ask me to turn the air conditioner off, on, or to adjust the temperature. If you're cold, put on a fucking sweater. If you're hot, too fucking bad. You shouldn't have worn that really cute new long sleeve sweater in the middle of fucking SUMMER. The world does not revolve around you. Think about what you're wearing, where you're going and how it was the last time you were there, and dress accordingly.
4B) Very similar to 4, but not quite the same. Do not tell me you don't like the song that's playing or the volume it's playing at. Again, you are not the only one in the fucking building. Most likely, there are guidelines as to what music choices are allowed, and even at what level it should be played at. Now, if you have actual hearing issues, we will sit you away from a speaker, or somewhere that works best for you. But don't whine at me how you hate this song, and ask me to put your favorite jazz station on. It's not going to happen. So sit down, shut up and eat your rice, Nancy.
5) I don't give a flying fuck on a monkey's ass that you know the owner. I do, too. She signs my checks. Trying to get special treatment in that way, will not work.
6) Don't come in the door bitching. Smile, be polite, act, oh I don't know- civil??? Otherwise, you will be seated under the speaker, where it is either 15 degrees warmer or right where the air vent blows so hard you'll need a paper weight in your salad bowl.
7) The answer to, " Hi, how are y'all tonight?" Is never, " water" or whatever your drink of choice is. It's also never, " separate checks". I realize you're worried that Mabel is going to order cheese on her burger, thus raising the bill 37 cents, but there will be time to cover that later. As a side note, don't expect your server to split a check when there are 23 of you spread over 4 different fucking tables, shared between two servers. Just don't fucking do it. And if by chance you do - and we know you will bc you're clueless twatwaffles- tip at least 20% JUST FOR THAT HASSEL ALONE.
8) There is never a reason to tip less than 3 dollars. There is never an acceptable excuse for leaving a .27 cent tip. Bitch. I will take that change back, and in front of all your friends say, " Here is your .27 cents, Ethel". You do realize we pay taxes on our sales, as well as tip out the busser, the salad guy, the host, etc. If you can t afford to tip, keep your happy ass at home, where you don't have to tip and can listen to your fave jazz song as loud as you want, on repeat if it makes you happy.
9) Please explain to me why you can't eat that chocolate cake off the same plate as your husband. You have your own fork, you can't share the plate??? For dessert?? Bitch, you've had his dick in your mouth, share the fucking plate.
I've realized this etiquette lesson, may need to be a series. Looks like the baf behaviour of Babs and Henry can t be boiled down into one post. But this has been a good starting point. And remember, tip your servers, be nice, stop complaining about things we don't control and when in doubt, follow the adage of, " Sit down, shut up and eat your rice, Nancy".